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Dear Alice, I started dating this cute girl two months ago. She's nice, however,
she's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Oy. Everything's fine so far, but
with Christmas coming, I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if
we're serious enough to buy her a real gift, and if we are that serious aren't there special Chanukah presents I have to buy? S. Davis Jr. Dear S., Jewish girls. Catholic girls. There's no difference. We all like
one thing: expensive presents. I'm agnostic and that's not gonna
stop me from getting my stocking stuffed - but good - I'll tell
ya. Two months is long enough to warrant serious, serious purchasing power on your part if you want the soft, wet present that keeps on
giving (if you get my meaning...). The only thing you have to remember is that as a Jew there's Chanukah
and that's eight days of presents; each one of 'em pricier than
the one before. While they don't go for the frankincense or myrrh
bit, Jewish girls are hot for exquisite spices of the not-so-far
East like White Diamonds and Opium. Or you can always pull a Ray
Liotta. Remember when Catholic Henry Hill gave his Jewish wife
money "by-the-foot" in Goodfellas? Get smart. Make life imitate art. As for Catholic gift-giving, a stylish Roman-Catholic chick loves
anything that goes against a papal dictate or two (especially
plaid). This year a suede bustier with a Sacred Heart, a velvet
scapular or a seemingly holy shawl with a Mother Teresa print
should do. Just don't buy anything with crucifixes. That should
save you from any anxiety. Tee hee, Alice From the desk of Alice: With Christmas just around the corner my mailbag has been full
of the same question over and over: "What do I buy the people
I love, like or simply have to tolerate?" My theory is buy them something they would never think to buy
themselves. For instance, no one thinks of buying themselves those
Hickory Farm ham, cheese and beefstick packages. And who doesn't
like meat in their mail? Most people don't read, so books are
very handy. And they look important. But you don't want to get
them too heavy a tome. Make 'em think you think they're dumb.
Buy them something like Boy George's autobiography or a Princess
Di paperback. What about one of those mother/sister picture books?
First, they're thick so they look thoughtful (and expensive),
and by now, they're reduced in price at Encore, so they won't
cost you much. For men, anything with Cindy Crawford on the cover will do. Doesn't
matter if it's Cindy Reads The Tibetan Book Of The Dead; if she's half-naked, boys'll love it. Going to a potluck Christmas party? Combine your unused perfumes
(or colognes) into one expensive bottle. As long as you don't
mix spicy with powdery you'll likely come up with something scintillating.
As for me, all I want for Christmas is a tattoo of that Jerry
Lewis caricature from the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon with "You'll
Never Walk Alone" written underneath.
Go Ask Alice
If you have a problem, question or venereal disease, think twice
before you write Alice. But if you must, write c/o Go Ask Alice, 206 S. 13th St., Phila. PA 19107.