Hey there, upwardly mobile douchey Fishtown types, turn down that Frank Ocean vinyl, stop jerkin’ off to Girls and listen the fuck up!
That fedora is not going to solve your problem. Neither is that fixed-gear bike or that ironic facial hair. Shit, Luther, you can spend all day sitting in the Rocket Cat Café planning your Kickstarter campaign, or spend all night leaning against a wall at Union Transfer during a Grizzly Bear show affecting a look of cool detachment. But when the swallows return to Capistrano, you’re still going to be a 26-year-old unpaid intern and a disappointment to your parents.
You have only one small hope of escaping the family-sized ass-kicking that Fate has been cooking up for you ever since you first uttered the phrase “Pitchfork said it was good,” and that hope lies in Hanzel und Gretyl’s Born to Be Heiled.
“Batshit crazy” fails to properly convey the insanity of Teutonic stomper “More German Than German,” the bluesy 12-bar masterpiece that is “I’m Movin’ to Deutschland” and the flat-out rockin’ glory of “Understutzung 87.” A new phrase must coined to describe Born to Be Heiled. “Jäger-unhinged” is a good start.
For the lyrics “More über than alles/ More sauer than kraut/ More wiener than schnitzel/ More Ramm than Stein” alone, Hanzel und Gretyl deserve a Grammy. Get on the train, hipster. We’re movin’ to Deutsch-land.