[+1] A federal judge decides Philly restaurant chain Steak 'Em Up is not infringing on frozen-steak company Steak-umm. Then he smiles, because this is why he got into law in the first place: To help people resolve stupid arguments about sandwiches.
 "Being from South Philly," says Steak 'Em Up owner Michael Lane, "the last thing I wanted to be was associated with Steak-umm." "We, however, are beyond thrilled to be associated with a fine, upstanding establishment like Steak 'Em Up," says Ric Ocasek of the Cars.
 Gene Gagliardi, inventor of Steak-umm, decried the judge's decision, saying: "He did no justice to the meat world." Adding: "Which is where I'm off to now. Things just make more sense to me there."
[+3] A Cherry Hill father puts a wire on his autistic child to record abuse by teachers, and posts the results on YouTube. Where he gets an even harsher lesson in abuse. Disable comments next time, Dad.
[-3] A Philly man is caught on video rescuing a squirrel who'd gotten its head stuck in a plastic pistachio bag. "Hey, thanks, mister," says Pittsburgh Penguins goalie Marc Andre-Fleury in a squirrel costume.
 Comcast self-publishes a 424-page history of the company called An Incredible Dream, which will become mandatory reading for new hires but won't be sold to the public. "Also, when you work for Comcast," says a spokesman, "and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something, because you're the only one who can really help. Just saying."
[+1] According to some reports, a seeing-eye dog defended its blind owner from an attacker and supposedly "used a device to alert authorities." "Yeah, it's called a telephone," says dog.
[-3] Facing a $218 million shortfall, the School District may cut 40 poorly performing schools next year. "That's, like, a million dollars a school," observes area valedictorian. "Now somebody help me get this pistachio bag off my head."
This week's total: -1 | Last week's total: 12