[-6] Gov. Tom Corbett's budget cuts transportation services for the mentally ill. Also he just runs up to newborn kittens and kicks them right in their wittle tummies.
[-2] The Barnes Foundation in Merion closes its doors for the last time. Unless you count the back door, where all the art is being sneaked out and piled into a U-Haul.
[-7] The new budget also cuts $10 million from the Dept. of Environmental Protection. High on life, Corbett has taken to driving around torching women's shelters.
[0] GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain campaigns at a Tea Party rally in Philly. So everybody hid all their white robes and burning crosses and talked about socialism like it wasn't code for anything.
[-3] The School District plans to shut down 26 kitchens in elementary and middle schools to close the $664 million budget gap. "Hey kids, if you're hungry, you can have a knuckle sandwich," says Gov. Corbett. "That's right: I punch children now. In the fucking jaw, I punch them."
[0] GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain campaigns at a Tea Party rally in Philly. So everybody hid all their white robes and burning crosses and talked about socialism like it wasn't code for anything.
[-4] Survey names Philly the second-worst city for aggressive towing. OK, guess we gotta sit down with the PPA and the tow truck operators and read it to them.
[-2] A man accidentally shoots himself in a Ruby Tuesday in Southwest Philly. There is some evidence he was depressed, however, as he was dining in a Ruby Tuesday.
[-6] To close the $664 million budget gap, the School District plans to cut several small, relatively inexpensive services, like tutors for failing ninth-graders and a structured recess initiative. "But don't worry, Philly, I have a plan for taking all those underperforming and overweight students off your hands," says Gov. Corbett. "My science team tells me that it would take only 48 hours to have all the kids liquefied in acid and pumped into the ground for the purposes of extracting natural gas. Now, I know it's a bit on the nose, literally sacrificing our future for our present, but I'm not a clever man. If I were, this backward-ass, self-defeating state never would've elected me. They're scared of clever, you see."
This week's total: -30 | Last week's total: -3
