[+3] D.A. Seth Williams rails against the city's recent incidents of ignorance and senseless violence on Good Day Philadelphia. "You know, you're right," says local violent ignoramus. "This has been a real wake-up call for me."

[0] Retired porn star Jenna Jameson will be a Wingette at the 20th Wing Bowl. It will be the most disgusting experience of her life.

[-2] A rotting, stinking whale carcass washes up in Ocean City. "Ha ha, very funny. Now somebody help me up," says Snooki.

[-3] Nighttime sports radio host Tom Byrne is arrested for beating a cab driver while attempting to duck a fare because he's "a celebrity." This is the first we've heard of you, douche.

[0] A special committee charged with overhauling the city's criminal justice system considers bringing back private bail bonders. "I recommend you at least try it. I was in Private Ball Bonders 3 and had a blast," says Jenna Jameson. "In my face. And my hair. It was jizz."

[+1] Alums of Monsignor Bonner and Archbishop Prendergast High School raise more than $1 million to attempt to keep the school open despite the Archdiosese's plan to phase it out. "Is that a lot?" asks the Pope, sitting on a $31 million throne atop a $22 million rug and smoking $14 million cigarettes. "P.S.: Don't forget to tithe. God says."

[-2] Foul fumes force the evacuation of 20 homes in North Philly. "I'm lost," says Snooki.

[+1] The Philly School District names a "chief recovery officer" to help cut $61 million from the budget by June. His mission? Bring back Arlene Ackerman, hold her upside down and shake.

[-5] Scientists say the Corbett administration is cutting funding to scientific research relating to the environmental impact of fracking. "Hey, I'm also forcing children to go hungry and launching an assault on the rights of women," says Corbett. "Why you gotta focus on the fracking?"

[-10] Longtime Phillies announcer Andy Musser passes away.

This week's total: -17 | Last week's total: -5