[+1] The PPA will refund about $800,000 in red-light-camera fines because the required warning signs were not posted at an Eastwick intersection. Otherwise, how would we know we were supposed to stop?

[+1] A Florida nightclub owner allegedly involved in the scam that left John Bolaris drugged and robbed of $43,000 is arrested. “I believe he will be in jail for a very, very long time,” says Bolaris, whose prediction success rate is about 50/50.

[+3] A Russian-born billionaire and Wharton dropout gives $3 million each to nine physicists. Who promptly drop out of physics.

[-4] Recent water main breaks in the Northeast and South Philly have the Water Department scrambling to clean up. “What we need now is, like, a giant soap spill.”

[-3] A portable meth lab at a downtown hotel is discovered when fumes set off a smoke detector. See, Pinkman — this is why you need Mr. White. 

[0] A DelCo election official says he won’t en-force ID requirements. “I’m not very good at my job,” explains election official. 

[-2] Seagulls perching on the recently opened Ninth Street bridge in Ocean City are being swept into traffic by the wind and killed. “Gimme French fry,” says spokesseagull. “Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme.”

[+1] The American Public Transportation Association names SEPTA the best large transit system in North America. “We’re not very good at our jobs,” explains APTA. 

[-2] Neighbors say they feel intimidated by the union protestors gathered at a construction site in Spring Garden. “A thousand pardons. That was not our intention,” say protesters. “Know what? I believe it’s time we got out our comically oversized inflatable mouse. That’ll lighten the mood around here.” 

[-1] A 12-year-old boy is injured while riding the Kingda Ka roller coaster at Six Flags when his face strikes a bird. APTA names Kingda Ka the second-best transit system in North America. 

This week’s total: -6  |  Last week’s total: -2