[+1] After an 11-hour search during which firefighters used thermal imaging to look for a 76-year-old woman reported missing, she is found safe where she was last seen: at Parx Casino. “Either this gizmo doesn’t work,” says firefighter, “or she’s the best cooler there ever was.”

[+3] A judge rules in favor of gamblers who were sued by the Golden Nugget casino in Atlantic City after winning $1.5 million at baccarat thanks to an improperly shuffled deck of cards. “Furthermore,” says judge, “I find Golden Nugget to be in violation of what I’ll call the whiny little baby statute. I hereby order the asshat who initiated the suit to wear a diaper for a month. Jesus, what a bunch of hypocritical dickbags.”

[+1] Police arrest a man who allegedly stole a beer at Made in America. The naysayers were right! This is the worst thing to happen at a concert on the Parkway since July 4, when three people got shot. 

[0] Mini versions of Morimoto and Buddakan were set up backstage for performers and guests at Made in America. “I understand,” says the last child on the United Way’s list. “Drake needs his sashimi.”

[+1] Beyoncé, Kim Kardashian, Eliza Dushku, Rick Fox and Brittany Snow were among the celebrities spotted at Made in America. Later, they got together to form the worst quizzo team ever. 

[+1] Great Adventure announces its Wild Safari will reopen next year with customers riding through it in staff-driven open-air trucks. “I spared no expense,” says the CEO, who dismissed speculation that his hubris may well become his undoing. 

[+1] Jay-Z pauses his set at Made in America for a pre-taped video message from President Obama reminding the crowd to vote. Which went over better than Romney flashing his nips during Odd Future.

[-1] John Bolaris says goodbye to Philly via Twitter: “For whatever reason their [sic] is hate towards me here.” Then he signs off with: “And don’t worry if there are suspicious charges on my credit cards.”

This week’s total: 7  |  Last week’s total: -7