[-4] A flight from Philly to Dallas is grounded when area resident Kenneth W. Smith allegedly calls in a fake bomb threat and has a friend’s ex-boyfriend, Christopher Shell, detained. Sorry, Smith. No conjugal visits in the friendzone.

[-2] Shell is released and allowed to fly, but is arrested in Dallas because of outstanding warrants. “You’re probably wondering how we managed to clear this guy to fly without finding out he was wanted,” says TSA agent Handsy Love. “Sometimes you can’t think your way through a problem, you have to feel it. We felt that man all over. We want to feel everybody.”  

[+1] Wharton grad Damon Hamilton and his R&B ensemble score a YouTube hit with their “Gangnam Style” parody called “Obama Style.” Thus making him the most successful Wharton grad in years.

[0] Blogger Joshua Scott Albert is charged with criminal solicitation to commit murder after starting a Facebook page in support of two accused cop killers. Would this be a bad time to tell you about our Kill Joshua Scott Albert Facebook page? Hey, Seth Williams just “liked” it. 

[-2] Harrah’s casino in Chester files a complaint against Chaka “Chip” Fattah Jr., after the son of the U.S. rep bounces checks. Daily News Headline Bot 1000 fails to title this story “Chaka Con.” Daily News Headline Bot 1000 throws himself into a trash truck.

[-3] Rumors spread online that somebody is ripping up Toynbee tiles, possibly to sell them. “TOYNBEE IDEA IN KUBRICK’S 2001,” says a spokestile, adding: “RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER.”

[+1] Travel and Leisure magazine names the Mütter Museum’s gift shop one of the best in the world. If you’re looking for an after-market colon.

[0] Celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman will take Michael Lohan to court on the TV show Judge Alex. And with any luck, the whole fucking courtroom will just sink right into the earth.

This week’s total: -9  |  Last week’s total: 7