[-3] City Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown admits to using campaign funds to repay a personal loan from Chaka Fattah Jr. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your next mayor.

[+1] Brown and Friends of Blondell Reynolds Brown agree to pay $48,834 in fines and repayments after admitting to ethics violations. Seriously, there’s a good chance she will be the next mayor.

[+1] A video of a naked man climbing a bus in Kensington goes viral. “This seems like as good a time as any to announce my intent to seek the Republican nomination for mayor in whatever year that is supposed to happen,” says man.

[-10] Philly TV icon Sally Starr passes away at age 90. “She was truly an inspiration to me,” says any one of the 58 porn actresses who use her name. 

[-2] Police are still looking for a driver who led them on a high-speed chase before crashing his car and escaping on foot, but they did arrest his passenger. Darren Daulton.

[0] After two South Jersey men sue Subway for its undersized “footlong” hoagies, the sandwich chain apologizes. “We aren’t suing for an apology,” explains one complainant. “Our demands are very specific: We want about 300 1-inch mini-hoagies.”

[0] New Jersey bans synthetic marijuana. “Only the best for my peeps,” says Jersey Devil, who is real and a pothead.

[-1] Property taxes in the Philly suburbs are expected to rise this year. Everybody in the Yardley Wawa agrees: Obamacare is somehow to blame.

[-3] Police arrest a man who said he planned to blow up the Liberty Bell with explosives he claimed were in his backpack. Good thing it was replaced with a fake a few years ago. Not kidding. It really was.

[-4] LeSean McCoy publicly feuds with the mother of his child on Twitter and encourages his followers to join in. And they do, because people are the worst. 

This week’s total: -21  |  Last week’s total: -7