[-3] City Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown admits to using campaign funds to repay a personal loan from Chaka Fattah Jr. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your next mayor.
[+1] Brown and Friends of Blondell Reynolds Brown agree to pay $48,834 in fines and repayments after admitting to ethics violations. Seriously, there’s a good chance she will be the next mayor.
[+1] A video of a naked man climbing a bus in Kensington goes viral. “This seems like as good a time as any to announce my intent to seek the Republican nomination for mayor in whatever year that is supposed to happen,” says man.
[-10] Philly TV icon Sally Starr passes away at age 90. “She was truly an inspiration to me,” says any one of the 58 porn actresses who use her name.
[-2] Police are still looking for a driver who led them on a high-speed chase before crashing his car and escaping on foot, but they did arrest his passenger. Darren Daulton.
 After two South Jersey men sue Subway for its undersized “footlong” hoagies, the sandwich chain apologizes. “We aren’t suing for an apology,” explains one complainant. “Our demands are very specific: We want about 300 1-inch mini-hoagies.”
 New Jersey bans synthetic marijuana. “Only the best for my peeps,” says Jersey Devil, who is real and a pothead.
[-1] Property taxes in the Philly suburbs are expected to rise this year. Everybody in the Yardley Wawa agrees: Obamacare is somehow to blame.
[-3] Police arrest a man who said he planned to blow up the Liberty Bell with explosives he claimed were in his backpack. Good thing it was replaced with a fake a few years ago. Not kidding. It really was.
[-4] LeSean McCoy publicly feuds with the mother of his child on Twitter and encourages his followers to join in. And they do, because people are the worst.
This week’s total: -21 | Last week’s total: -7