[0] Miss Delaware Teen USA Melissa King resigns her title after an apparent sex video of her surfaces on the web. How dare she disgrace an unassailably classy operation like a beauty pageant for teenage girls?

[-1] Authorities in Maryland say there are two warrants out for the former Miss Delaware Teen USA for failure to appear in court on theft and underage-alcohol charges. “Well, now we don’t want her either,” says porn industry.

[0] Local descendents of John Wilkes Booth say there’s been a renewed interest in the actor-turned-assassin. Meanwhile, the Heidniks are starting to get jealous.

[+1] Bristol Township police arrest five members of the “Black Flag Family,” responsible for “a lot of chaos” in the area, including thefts and shootings. “We were really excited to catch these guys,” says the arresting officer. “Until we realized it was the Ron Reyes lineup.”

[+2] At the request of Lucasfilm, Flyers goalie Ilya Bryzgalov has Yoda’s lightsaber on his new Star Wars-themed mask changed from red to green. Bryz refused to honor the request until he Skyped directly with a Yoda puppet.

[+1] The Philadelphia Health Department employs minors to buy cigarettes from area shops as part of a sting operation. The operation is said to have gone smoothly. And to have been full of flavor.

[-1] A woman steals a Camden Police car and leads a chase over the Ben Franklin Bridge and into Kensington, where she ditches that vehicle and steals a Philadelphia Police car. Look. Bell Curve knows crime is wrong. And that people got hurt, and could have been killed. But, yeah, at press time, we kinda sorta like this lady.

[-4] Corrections Secretary John Wetzel tells state senators at a Budget Committee hearing that Pennsylvania has a “shockingly high” rate of recidivism. “It’s almost like forcing all the bad people to live together in little boxes makes them more cynical and desperate somehow.”

This week’s total: -2  |  Last week’s total: +3