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Paper Doll by Ashlea Halpern

Calendar Boy
Push, breathe, push, breathe, God damn it, breathe. It's a tender gesture — albeit a futile one. After nearly 25 minutes, Barton's hamstrings tremble under the strain. Snap, snap, snap — lights flash everywhere. Then, silence. "OK, thank you! That's a wrap!"

NAKED CITY . Paper Doll . Archives

Calendar Boy: Push, breathe, push, breathe, God damn it, breathe. It's a tender gesture — albeit a futile one. After nearly 25 minutes, Barton's hamstrings tremble under the strain. Snap, snap, snap — lights flash everywhere. Then, silence. "OK, thank you! That's a wrap!"

Absolutely Fabio: She watches Fabio scoop a woman off the ground and flash a sparkler for a row of cameraphones. She squints. Do her eyes deceive her? A nearby butler whispers, "He can do that to you, you know."

The Hot List: What makes a Phila-delphian sexy? Is it power? Money? Fame? Heroin-boy-skinny, razor-blade hip bones?

Return to Fantasy Island: Mystery menage at a no-tell motel. Extreme submission. Cubicle cuckolding. Rape ... and that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Philadelphians' wildest sexual fantasies.

Fantasy Island: Robby, a 26-year-old lighting designer, vaguely pinpoints his fantasy as having something to do with "corsets and trapeze acts." More specifically, a redhead dressed in a corseted Strawberry Shortcake costume kicking it on a sex swing.

Portrait of a Lady, Pt. II: Some are passable, pretty even, but most look exactly like what they are: men in dresses.

Portrait of a Lady: My first exposure to cross-dressers was the granny-wigged Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire, followed by Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like A Lady."

Sticky Business: I'm getting it from everyone. My boyfriend. My co-workers. My interns. My mother.

Strange Bedfellows: "Does nothing weird you out?" I get this question so often, I'm starting to think I'm either: a) seriously deviant, b) too understanding, or c) friends with the wrong people.

Bite Me: There are vampires among us.

Get Your Jollies: Sex toys make notoriously bad holiday gifts.

Olive, My Love: I never met an olive I didn't like.

Art School Confidential: I say college; you say kegger. I say naked; you say co-ed. It's no wonder university sex rags can't get no respect.

Mom & Pop Sex Shop, Pt. IV: "Hello, 1-900-Sex-Line." This is how my father picks up the phone these days — at least when he knows it's me.

Cradle of Love: When Miguel (not his real name), a 24-year-old graphic designer living and working in Montgomery County, has a rotten day at the office, he likes to go home, peel off his work clothes and slip on an adult incontinence diaper.

Bareback Nation: It wasn't like they didn't warn us.

Prairie Bone Companion: A few weeks ago, I received a letter so enthusiastically sincere, I couldn't ignore it. Handwritten on ruled legal paper, it was signed simply, "Escort-Illiterate Eddie."

The Dirty Parts: Twenty-five years ago, I was but a mere zygote in my mama's belly. Had I known what fun City Paper was having, I might've popped out sooner.

Mood Music: In the wake of the latest iPod upgrade, a new sex toy has the blogosphere abuzz.

The Gag Reflex: Five inches, maybe six. Seven max. That's how deep my throat goes.

In The Event That…: "Place Holdings" Runs through Oct. 1, Third Street Gallery, 58 N. Second St., 215-625-0993, www.confess2.us Michael Sebright wanted to know

Just Do It: Sun., Sept. 17, 7:30 p.m., $20-$25, live satellite broadcast from NYC's 92nd St. Y, Gershman Y, 401 S. Broad St.,

Accidental Tourist: Fri., Sept. 15, 6:30-8 p.m., free, Voices & Visions, The Bourse, lower level, Fourth and Ranstead sts., 215-625-4740 Ayun Halliday

Just Do It: ArtSalad lecture by James Mundie, Wed., Oct. 18, 11 a.m.-noon, exhibit runs Sept. 8-Oct. 22, $3-$5, children under 12 free,

Last Chance: Dreaming in Black and White Dumpster Divers: The Secret Garden of a Fertile Mind Runs through Sept. 15, Journey Home

Last Chance: Group Show Runs through Sept. 9, Gallery 13W, 4504 Regent St., 267-312-1426 This little gallery in Jon Stivers' West Philly

Coveting Thy Neighbors: Miami. Vegas. L.A. New York. Philly? In the highly subjective pantheon of America's hottest cities, ours sticks out like the fat girl at a debutante ball.

Day Tripper: Funk Master Flex Custom Car and Bike Show, Sat., Sept. 9, noon-8 p.m., $25-$30, Atlantic City Convention Center, 1 Miss

On The DL: Fri., Sept. 8, 6 p.m., White Couch, 933 S. 13th St., www.artatsophi.com Isn't it funny how people get together? I

Just Do It: Runs Sept. 9-Nov. 19, $8, Brandywine River Museum, U.S. Route 1, Chadds Ford, Pa., 610-388-2700, www.brandywinemuseum.org Andy Warhol. Jean-Michel Basquiat.

Philly Cheesecake: Philly is all about pinups.

In The Event That...: Negative Exposure Opening reception Fri., Sept. 1, 6-10 p.m., runs through Sept. 29, Trinity Art Gallery, 158 N. Third St.,

Last Chance: Festival of Fountains Runs through Sept. 2, $2-$14, Longwood Gardens, U.S. Route 1, Kennett Square, 610-388-1000 Thousands of illuminated waterspouts

On The DL: Runs Sept. 1-30, reception Fri., Sept. 15, 5:30-8 p.m., free, Crane Arts Building, 1400 N. American St., 215-592-1310, www.cranearts.com As

Just Do It: Runs Sept. 2-30, opening reception Fri., Sept. 8, 6-8 p.m., Falling Cow Gallery, 732 S. Fourth St., 215-627-4625, www.fallingcow.org After

On The DL: Fri., Aug. 25, 10 p.m.-1 a.m., free, The Mansion, 21 S. 19th St., www.rahcrawford.com What's scarier than a chainsaw-wielding Rah

In The Event That..: Vegetarian potluck and open discussion with author Peter Singer, Wed., Aug. 30, 7 p.m., Chester County Book & Music Company,

Just Do It: Sat., Aug. 26, 7 p.m., $5 donation, The Cinema, 3925 Walnut St., 215-387-1911, www.bigartshow.com Laboring under the "artist collective" banner,

Pimp This Ride: When you write about blowjobs and buttfucking every week, little in the sex arena actually excites you.

Members Only: Vaginas! Vaginas! Vaginas!

Mom & Pop Sex Shop, Pt. III: The things I do for you people.

Screw This Country: Philadelphia is a sexy city. It's got rock 'n' roll pole dancing on Friday nights, caning workshops and fetish galleries, and Craigslist ads boasting its residents' kinkiest yearnings.

Hustled: Oh, the injustice! Oh, the malarkey! Oh, how the scars on fake tits scowl when they're flipped upside down

Analyze That: I was prepared for the worst. Andy, my longtime beau, had just completed a 45-minute evaluation with four seen-it-all relationship advisors from ManReaders (ManReaders.com), a local service that helps women steer clear of "broken" men and bad relationships.

Analyze This: Years ago, a would-be suitor gave me his honest assessment of my then-boyfriend: "I just don't think he's your type," he shrugged. "You're a star. He's a bit player."

The Come-On: "Ever wanted longer, stronger and more intense orgasms? Has your cum ever dribbled and you wish it would shoot out? Have you ever wanted to impress your girl with massive ejaculations?"

Just Push Play: For months, I was a slave to the Rabbit.

Buck Wild: A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course. That is, of course, unless the horse is …

Naked Guns: Paper Doll Crush of the Month: Philly cops.

Sticky Situation: I felt very '90s even saying it, like I was asking the guy behind the counter for a Rachel haircut or a copy of CrazySexyCool.

Mom and Pop Sex Shop, Pt. II: My crazy folks are at it again—answering your troubling questions for nary a dime.

The Bush Hunter: I have a fairly typical relationship with my body hair.

The Sound of One Hand Clapping: There's this hot scene in psychodrama Secretary where dictatorial boss James Spader tells his mentally ill secretary (Maggie Gyllenhaal) to put her elbows on his desk and bend over. He then proceeds to spank her savagely.

Don't Cum, All Ye Faithful: Give me your freaks, your perverts, your unrepentant sinners, the immoral refuse of your oversexed land. But please, dear God, keep the evangelicals to yourself.

For Those About to Cock: "Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!"

Let's Get (Meta) Physical: If "sacred sex" makes you think of Tim Robbins in High Fidelity or Sting getting his transcendence on (and on and on and on), it's time to re-evaluate your view of Pagan-informed polyamory. And what better place to do that than the adults-only Sacred Sexuality Beltane Festival?

The Show Must Come On: Timothy Wenhold, producer of Next American Porn Star (NAPS), says there are two types of people: Those who watch porn and those who lie about it.

Whipped Senseless: Last Monday, unassuming lunchers at the corner of Ninth and Market streets were witness to a kinky publicity stunt...

Punch-Drunk Love: Everything I knew about fisting was wrong.

Mom and Pop Sex Shop: I've told you all about my vagina, my doctor fetish and my first ex-boyfriend butt-plugging experience. Now it's your turn.

Doctor My Thighs: I have a doctor fetish.

Oh God Oh God Oh God: "Spirituality for many GLBT people brings negative memories of fundamentalist or puritanical upbringing."

Self Help: "Hot, sweaty, slippery, hairy, greasy, ecstatic, noisy, playful, passionate, dick-stroking, cum-spewing sex!"

Do It (Til I'm Satisfied): Have you seen the four-page marriage contract written by Travis Frey, the 33-year-old Iowa man recently arrested for kidnapping his own wife?

Yellow Fever: When I pee in the shower, I play this game...

Who's Your Mummy?: "Sip cosmos, mingle with friends and learn salacious details of love, sex and eroticism in the ancient world."

Managing a Trois: In ticking off all the boys I've defrocked and defiled since last Valentine's Day...

Back Door Man: "I'm going to tell you a dirty little secret..."

You Want a Butt Plug With That?: "Pharmacists Who Care."

The Vagina Dialogues: "Come and get tighter vagina for you right now."

Supreme (Es)cort: "Let me get a look at you."

One Sexy Mother: "What will your mother think?"

NAKED CITY . Sex . More

Dating the Dating Columnist	— by Ashlea Halpern	(06/22/2006)
Call Boy	— by Drew Lazor	(12/08/2005)
Pump and Grind	— by Ashlea Halpern	(12/08/2005)
What's Your Pleasure?	— by A.D. Amorosi	(12/01/2005)
Sex Clubbed	— by Gabriele J. Valentine	(12/01/2005)
GIFTS THAT SAY: Take Me Now	— by Ashlea Halpern	(11/17/2005)
Holy Terror	— by Ashlea Halpern	(10/27/2005)
The How to Have Sex in the City Tour	— by Amy L. Webb	(06/10/2004)
Sex and the Witty	— by Amy L. Webb	(02/12/2004)
Main Line $ex	— by Brendan McGarvey	(06/26/2003)

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